Today, my goal is to measure everything I put in my mouth, and record it in Lose it. I'm not restricting myself today, just making an accurate log. So far, I've learned that I've been using entirely too much coffee creamer. I measured out a tablespoon, and it barely lightened my coffee. I like my coffee super light, and I drink 2-3 cups a day. I've probably been consuming about 150-200 calories a day in creamer alone. That's 12% of what lose-it says my calorie intake should be for the day! That's crazy. It's really easy to just add on calories without even thinking about it.

... Ugh, ... just ugh.

I have not posted here for about 2 months. In that time, I have taken all of the progress that I'd made, and thrown it away in a flurry of bingeing and anxiety. It's left me shaky, antisocial, and extremely unsure of myself. But I am starting to improve. I went to my primary care doctor, after years of avoiding it, to find out what was going on with all the random, sometimes debilitating aches and pains that I've been experiencing. I finally started going to a therapist, which I've been putting off for most of my adult life. I was able to recognize that my feeling that I would spend all this effort in therapy and not change, still feel like I've always felt is extremely irrational.

I'm still struggling with the idea that all I need is the right program, or the right weight loss journal or to read the right blog, or quote... and something will just click for me, and the weight will just fall off. I need to shed the idea that it will just... HAPPEN for me. I need to work at it, and it's not going to be easy. I work in a place where I am constantly stressed, and constantly surrounded by food that I turn to in times of stress. The way I've been behaving recently, I've made it automatic to myself that feeling stressed should lead to stuffing myself with ice cream. I've caught myself holding a cup of ice cream with a spoon to my mouth, not knowing how I got there... the way you can be almost home, but not remember the drive. 

I'm not entirely sure how to beat my ice cream fugue, how to stop thinking about food for most the day (when I'm going to eat next, what I can have and cant have, why I want the things I cant have, why I should be able to have it...), or how to stop the compulsive nature of most of my food decisions. But I weighed  myself this morning and I'm almost 210 pounds. I've gained 18 pounds in 2 months. This far, no further. 

So I'd been planning to do a long, depressing post

on my last couple weeks, and what went wrong... But I think I'm just going to sum up, and then move forward. I don't need to revisit that headspace.

The last 2 weeks were a whirlwind of stress, with working 2 jobs, doing freelance graphic design work, working on my business, doing the weight loss challenge, fitting in time for my fiancé, and friends, financial concerns, etc, etc, etc. After a scary encounter at my part time job, I quit.... And panicked, because of the aforementioned financial issues. I went nuts at my
day job (managing an ice cream parlor)... I ate so much ice cream, and toppings, and then I went to McDonalds, ate more ice cream, and toppings.... And then I felt so guilty...

I'm still reeling a little from that setback. I haven't weighed myself since. But I've been good about following the diet, and I started going to the gym again. The next weigh in is next week and I plan to rock it.

Now: three things I've done recently that I'm proud of...
This flyer: I've been doing freelance graphic design for my aunt's business, and it's inspired me to re-do some of the signs around my job.

This zombie cake: I think it turned out really well. :-) I was unsure about the tombstones, but I think they enhanced the overall image.

These octopus lotion charms. I'm really happy with how they came out.