Today, my goal is to measure everything I put in my mouth, and record it in Lose it. I'm not restricting myself today, just making an accurate log. So far, I've learned that I've been using entirely too much coffee creamer. I measured out a tablespoon, and it barely lightened my coffee. I like my coffee super light, and I drink 2-3 cups a day. I've probably been consuming about 150-200 calories a day in creamer alone. That's 12% of what lose-it says my calorie intake should be for the day! That's crazy. It's really easy to just add on calories without even thinking about it.

Pull the trigger, and the nightmare stops...

http://www.upworthy.com/this-dude-just-used-jelly-beans-to-convince-me-to-live-my-life-to-the-fullest-2

That quote and this video have been hugely inspiring to me the last couple days. I realize that the quote in the title could be interpreted as super negative, and suicidal... and that's probably even how it was intended. I've been thinking of "pulling the trigger" more in terms of taking some fucking action already. Most of the problems in my life have been caused by my anxiety over taking the first step. In anything really... often, doing nothing is less stressful than the idea of choosing wrongly, or failing at something I care about. This causes what I like the call a vicious hate-spiral of disappointment. And the more angry I get at myself for failing to do something, the less likely I am to get something done.

Welp, as the video points out, time is short. And I plan on making the short amount of time that I have to myself amazing. I'm pulling the trigger on a bunch of things, from going back to school, to expanding my business.

Here's the link the Coheed and Cambria song that quote is referencing. Listen to it. It's amazing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=auSpP09UKnQ

HANKROLL'd - YouTube

I've been listening to a VLOG brothers playlist whilst arting. I came across this:

HANKROLL'd - YouTube:

'via Blog this'

This is the best thing I've seen today. It earns the Air Seal of Approval.

... Ugh, ... just ugh.

I have not posted here for about 2 months. In that time, I have taken all of the progress that I'd made, and thrown it away in a flurry of bingeing and anxiety. It's left me shaky, antisocial, and extremely unsure of myself. But I am starting to improve. I went to my primary care doctor, after years of avoiding it, to find out what was going on with all the random, sometimes debilitating aches and pains that I've been experiencing. I finally started going to a therapist, which I've been putting off for most of my adult life. I was able to recognize that my feeling that I would spend all this effort in therapy and not change, still feel like I've always felt is extremely irrational.

I'm still struggling with the idea that all I need is the right program, or the right weight loss journal or to read the right blog, or quote... and something will just click for me, and the weight will just fall off. I need to shed the idea that it will just... HAPPEN for me. I need to work at it, and it's not going to be easy. I work in a place where I am constantly stressed, and constantly surrounded by food that I turn to in times of stress. The way I've been behaving recently, I've made it automatic to myself that feeling stressed should lead to stuffing myself with ice cream. I've caught myself holding a cup of ice cream with a spoon to my mouth, not knowing how I got there... the way you can be almost home, but not remember the drive. 

I'm not entirely sure how to beat my ice cream fugue, how to stop thinking about food for most the day (when I'm going to eat next, what I can have and cant have, why I want the things I cant have, why I should be able to have it...), or how to stop the compulsive nature of most of my food decisions. But I weighed  myself this morning and I'm almost 210 pounds. I've gained 18 pounds in 2 months. This far, no further. 

Internet Explorer, a forbidden love affair

As some of you might know, I make crafty things, and sell them, sometimes. My latest (and by far, most successful) venture is body products... mostly fun novelty soaps, as well as scrubs. I love making them... and I'm also pretty fond of selling them. The packaging part in between was never my favorite. To aid in this, I was buying Avery labels, using their online Design and Print function in Firefox, and then attempting to print them out.

I say attempting because the first couple would come out OK...











And then then next row would edge up...








And the row after that would move up 2 cm like it was trying to be one with the label above it



.


It was understandably very frustrating. I would get maybe 4 usable labels off a sheet of 12. It was a giant waste of time and money. I researched the topic, and I couldn't really find a sane solution. It was either adjusting the printer settings on the Avery site (which I'd spent hours on, and didn't work), or use Internet Explorer.  How was that even an option? It's hated, and filled with viruses... and possibly monsters.

Fast forward to now... I'm starting to sell more, and I have a bunch of craft shows to plan for. As I also work a busy full-time job, and do freelance work... time wasting is not an option. I decided that Internet Explorer was worth a shot. And praise everything... it goddamn worked. All of these labels are usable, with minimal cutting necessary. This is a thing of beauty.

I'm sorry Internet Explorer. I was wrong to judge you. But I still love Google Chrome more. It meets all of my other needs. But when I need to print more labels, I'll be around again.

It's been such a lazy day...

That I've been horribly unproductive. Most of it was spent on the couch, munching baby carrots and grape to motors, and playing the cave. I did need to relax, but now I have a large to do list, and only 1 thing crossed off. I figured posting my to do list here, and then putting pictures up when I complete each item would help.

1. Make and package 4 pairs of earrings.

2. Make and package new rainbow soap.

3. Make and package new Easter soap.

4. Make and package 3 necklaces.

5. Prepare 2 bags of veggies for work tomorrow.


Only 5 things might not seem like much, but each item is time consuming.

Jenna Marbles is my spirit animal

So I'd been planning to do a long, depressing post

on my last couple weeks, and what went wrong... But I think I'm just going to sum up, and then move forward. I don't need to revisit that headspace.

The last 2 weeks were a whirlwind of stress, with working 2 jobs, doing freelance graphic design work, working on my business, doing the weight loss challenge, fitting in time for my fiancé, and friends, financial concerns, etc, etc, etc. After a scary encounter at my part time job, I quit.... And panicked, because of the aforementioned financial issues. I went nuts at my
day job (managing an ice cream parlor)... I ate so much ice cream, and toppings, and then I went to McDonalds, ate more ice cream, and toppings.... And then I felt so guilty...

I'm still reeling a little from that setback. I haven't weighed myself since. But I've been good about following the diet, and I started going to the gym again. The next weigh in is next week and I plan to rock it.

Now: three things I've done recently that I'm proud of...
This flyer: I've been doing freelance graphic design for my aunt's business, and it's inspired me to re-do some of the signs around my job.

This zombie cake: I think it turned out really well. :-) I was unsure about the tombstones, but I think they enhanced the overall image.

These octopus lotion charms. I'm really happy with how they came out.

Gratitude: Top Three for the day (I'll do a real post tomorrow, I promise)

I've been really down lately, and these last 2 weeks have been a whirlwind, so right now I'm going to take a deep breath, and be positive for a bit:

The top three things I am grateful for today:

 

And the winner is...

But seriously, how awesome is she:

Top Three Gratitude List

These are the Top Three things I am grateful for today:

 And the winner is...

blood and tears down, onto the sweat!

I was in Atlanta for the last couple days. After a weekend of eating competition level excess with my old college friends, I was super motivated to get ready for my first day of detox. When I got off the plane, I was exhausted, but I went straight from the airport to the grocery store, stocking up on fruits and veggies for the week. Once I got home, I got to work: I put kale and spinach in the dehydrator (in order to grind them up so I'd be able to make green smoothies while at work), and then started chopping veggies to make chili. I had purchased a mandoline specifically for this purpose. I couldn't find the guard that came with it, so I figured it would be OK to use it without it. I was almost done slicing the zucchini when I glanced away for a second... And then I noticed blood pooling up on my thumb. I'd sliced a bit of it cleanly off! I stopped, got a band-aid, put pressure on it... But after an hour, it hadn't stopped bleeding. My fiance took me to the emergency room, where they told me they couldn't stitch it, because too much had been taken off. They stopped the bleeding, cleaned it off, and wrapped it up. They said it would take about 2 weeks to heal enough that I wouldn't have to keep it wrapped.





On top of that, I weighed myself this morning, and discovered that I'd gained 5 pounds over the weekend! Five pounds! I was getting really down on myself until I talked to my coach. She reassured me, and reminded me that I'm getting a fresh start. I'm not back up to my pre-accident motivation levels, but I'm working on it and I no longer feel like quitting before I even really began. I finished all my food prep, and my breakfast (green smoothie!) went well. I already poured a lot of blood and tears into this challenge, time to bring on the sweat!

As I told my Uncle:

Let the challenge begin!