... Ugh, ... just ugh.

I have not posted here for about 2 months. In that time, I have taken all of the progress that I'd made, and thrown it away in a flurry of bingeing and anxiety. It's left me shaky, antisocial, and extremely unsure of myself. But I am starting to improve. I went to my primary care doctor, after years of avoiding it, to find out what was going on with all the random, sometimes debilitating aches and pains that I've been experiencing. I finally started going to a therapist, which I've been putting off for most of my adult life. I was able to recognize that my feeling that I would spend all this effort in therapy and not change, still feel like I've always felt is extremely irrational.

I'm still struggling with the idea that all I need is the right program, or the right weight loss journal or to read the right blog, or quote... and something will just click for me, and the weight will just fall off. I need to shed the idea that it will just... HAPPEN for me. I need to work at it, and it's not going to be easy. I work in a place where I am constantly stressed, and constantly surrounded by food that I turn to in times of stress. The way I've been behaving recently, I've made it automatic to myself that feeling stressed should lead to stuffing myself with ice cream. I've caught myself holding a cup of ice cream with a spoon to my mouth, not knowing how I got there... the way you can be almost home, but not remember the drive. 

I'm not entirely sure how to beat my ice cream fugue, how to stop thinking about food for most the day (when I'm going to eat next, what I can have and cant have, why I want the things I cant have, why I should be able to have it...), or how to stop the compulsive nature of most of my food decisions. But I weighed  myself this morning and I'm almost 210 pounds. I've gained 18 pounds in 2 months. This far, no further.